


be brave in a way others may never know

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: hold my hand (i can hear the ghost calling) [5]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Character Study, Disabled Character, Fluff, Interracial Relationship, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Not Steve Friendly, POV Sam Wilson, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Wilson-centric, Sam is Defender of New York, fight me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-28 01:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12594880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Sam feels sympathy for Steve Rogers. After all, Steve lost his best friend to war. Sam understands this kind of grief far too well, knows all too well the effects of survivor's guilt. He knows what it's like to return from war with no idea of the world he's returning to.He understands gaining powers you have to adjust to, knows what becoming a superhero can do to the mind. He understands nightmares, understands wanting to fight a system that contributed to the death of his best friend.Tony turns up bruised and scraped, arm in a sling, and, and-Sam doesnotunderstand anymore.-Steve Rogers is not the man Sam thought he was.Sam doesn't know if Steve waseverthe man he thought Steve was.





	be brave in a way others may never know

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Shine" by Shane Kocyzan.

When Sam Wilson-Stark meets Steve Rogers, he knows who it is. He understands that the awkward jogger is the man who fought alongside his husband just last month. 

He becomes Steve's best friend during their runs, and he enjoys conversations with Steve. Steve is smart (though nowhere near as smart as Tony), and he processes a lot of information about pop culture and technology pretty easily.

There is just one sticking point, though. Sam mentions being gay and Steve stares at him a bit strangely. He gets over it within a few moments and Sam understands how strange it must be for a man from the 40s to get gay people. He  _gets_ it.

However-

Sam is gay, and black, and disabled, and a pilot, and a superhero, and a husband. Each of these is a part of his identity, and for Steve not to get one of those sits just a bit wrong on his shoulders.

Still, he gets that it's a transition thing. Steve will get it eventually.

 

( _"You okay with this, Tones?"_

_"Why wouldn't I be okay with you getting friends?"_

_"I mean, he_ is _your teammate. You sure you want me, you know, encroaching on your territory or something?"_

_A laugh. "Sam, you beautiful fool, I honestly don't care. Just don't break him, okay?"_

_"_ Me _, break Captain America? You sure you're not the one being experimented on?"_

_Roll of the eyes. "Go have fun with your friend, Sam."_

_"Love you too, Tones."_

_"Love you, honey.")_

 

Steve Rogers shows up at Sam's doorstep about a month after he met him, Natasha next to him. Sam recognizes her from the times he ended up in Stark tower when she was working as Tony's secretary. Tony told him all about the Natalie Rushman incident, prompting Sam to both scold him for nearly dying _again_ and laugh at Tony being fooled by a superspy.

"You are?" Natasha asks bluntly, eyebrow arched.

"Lt. Sam Wilson," he says, and her dark eyes alight in recognition.

"Ah," she says, "Lt. Wilson. I've read a lot about you."

And by read, she probably means scanned Tony's documents when she was spying on him.

"Everything good, I hope?" He asks, and she nods.

"As long as you keep treating that partner of yours well," she says.

"Always," he swears.

"Well," Steve says, looking slightly awkward, "We have a bit of an issue right now."

Sam glances down at his Stark-issued watch. News headlines are strolling across it as well as texts from Tony, promising that he's trying to work on a way to combat HYDRA.

"Yeah," he says, "I'd say so. Come on in."

-

Sam feels sympathy for Steve Rogers. After all, Steve lost his best friend to war. Sam understands this kind of grief far too well, knows all too well the effects of survivor's guilt. He knows what it's like to return from war with no idea of the world he's returning to.

He understands gaining powers you have to adjust to, knows what becoming a superhero can do to the mind. He understands nightmares, understands wanting to fight a system that contributed to the death of his best friend.

Sam is more similar to Steve than would appear.

-

Sam may not be “worthy” on his own, but he is with Tony, and Tony is with him. That _means_ something.

Four years ago, Sam swore his love and life to Tony. Tony did the same to him.

-

When Sam first started dating Tony, Rhodes gave him the shovel talk.

Pepper Potts was at the first official ‘family’ dinner.

JARVIS shared all of Tony's embarrassing childhood stories, made all the more silly by JARVIS’ British robot voice.

This is what Sam thinks of when he hears about what Steve said to Tony.

(This is months after the whole incident went down- at the time he'd been more worried about Tony nearly _dying_ because he'd flown a nuke into a blackhole.)

Steve called Tony _an insecure little man_. He told Tony that _you_ _hide behind your shiny toys to compensate for what you know you lack._

He told Tony that he is _nothing without the armor,_ that _won’t let anyone get close. You don’t want them to realize that the man underneath isn’t even worth trying._

Tony is strong, far stronger than anyone should have to be. Sam is not here to solve Tony's problems for him, to coddle him- he is here to support Tony, to make Tony's problems easier to deal with.

(And here Steve is, screwing it up.)

But Sam is friends with Steve, and everyone can make a mistake in the heat of the moment, right?

(Right?)

-

Sam feels sympathy for Bucky Barnes. Sam is a soldier. He understands taking orders, doing things you don't want to do. He understands what it's like to have a limb that isn't yours, to be forced to figure out how metal can possibly function like flesh. He knows about fighting your way out of he'll and returning to a world you don't recognize. He understands being something you can't control, something that the world will blame you for.

Despite everything, Sam respects Bucky Barnes. 

-

Tony turns up bruised and scraped, arm in a sling, and, and-

Sam can  _not_ understand anymore.

-

Steve Rogers is not the man Sam thought he was.

Sam doesn't know if Steve was _ever_ the man he thought Steve was.

-

Sam knows that when Tony has nightmares, they aren't always about Afghanistan. Sometimes he pleads for his father to _stop, please stop_ , and Sam's heart aches. He knows that Tony has never had enough people who love and appreciate him. Sam doesn't want that to keep happening.

Steve doesn't deserve to stay with them, to carry the shield and be an Avenger. None of the Avengers are perfect, to be sure. If you look into their pasts, you will find horror and abuse and mistakes made. Avengers are the products of their horrible beginnings. You'd be hard-pressed to find an Avenger who hasn't fucked up.

However, to be an Avenger, one has to be willing to do what is right. 

Sam doesn't believe that Steve believes in this anymore.

-

Sam feels disgust for Steve Rogers. He is a hypocrite. When Steve says that Tony should be ashamed for hiding their marriage from him, that he should have trusted them enough to tell the team, Sam nearly explodes. _Steve_ is the hypocrite.

Empathy isn't enough to be someone's friend. It isn't even enough to keep Sam from beginning his campaign against Steve Rogers.

Yes, Steve Rogers is marooned in a time that is not his own. Yes, Steve Rogers lost a friend who was turned into an assassin that is now in intense therapy. 

But that does not give him the right to hurt, betray, and attack his teammates, especially the ones he claims are his friends.

 

Sam cannot be friends with Steve Rogers when he thinks this way, acts this way.

 

Somewhere along the lines, their friendship broke. Maybe it was months ago, maybe it was years ago, but Sam knows that by the time Tony showed up at their home, chest bruised and Sam's name literally crushed into his chest, they were not friends any longer.

Sam cannot be friends with someone who lets preconceived notions overpower trust, who will hit a teammate when he's down and continue battering him until his ideas of justice are served. He will not be friends with a vigilante who has no respect for others.

-

Sam is not here to solve Tony's problems for him, to coddle him. Sam is here to support Tony, to be his pillar and his support. He is here to minimize Tony's pain as much as possible, to comfort him after he's been hurt. Tony does the same for him, holding him after sand-encrusted and fire-seared nightmares.

He won't let his husband endure abuse again, especially if he can do anything at all to prevent it.

- 

Tony kicks Steve out. Sure, he provides him with a place to stay and therapy and money, but he's out of the Tower and Sam couldn't be more satisfied.

Sam has tried to teach Tony a great many things, mostly about how wonderful he truly is, and he's happy that this one has finally sank in:

Self-care is _not_ selfish.

-

Empathy does not mean letting bullying happen, does not mean condoning the continued abuse of victims.

Sam Wilson is an Avenger and a husband, a Lieutenant in the Army and a superhero. He is the current Defender of New York, one of the main allies of Iron Man.

He met his husband on a training exercise six years ago. Tony sauntered onto the field and announced that he was going to see the results of his experiment. Sam had looked him up and down and told him that he would either have go provide proper identification- DNA test preferred- or design something on the spot in order to provide a decent enough reason to allow him into the experiment room for the bionic equipment. 

Tony had grinned and said, "I think you'd make a great superhero."

Sam raised a cool eyebrow at that but didn't disagree.

He could not have become Falcon without Tony, but Tony never could have survived without Sam. They support each other, love each other.

-

Seven years ago, Sam watched his best friend tumble from the sky in a haze of smoke. He cannot bear to see the same thing happen to his husband.

There is a reason Sam's defining feature as a hero is his wings.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all liked a Sam-centric story! I was supposed to be posting my Age of Ultron story, but that was saved in a draft on the Archive that deleted itself so it might be awhile before I recover that story. In the mean time, enjoy these two stories that I just posted today!


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